OMERTA

Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of themselves without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant,
'If I live, I will kill you. If I die, You are forgiven.'
Such is the rule of honour.

Broken the paradigm an example must be set
Invoke the Siren's song and sign the death warrant.
This id what has been wrought for 30 pieces of silver
The tongues of men and angels bought by a beloved betrayer.
I am the result what's better left unspoken
Violence begins to mend what was broken
You've been talking, I've been all ears.
Words meant to dwell in darkness shall never see the light of day
Words can be broken, so can bones
Execute the mandate
Mouth full of dirt.
Your name is removed from the registry
St. Peter greets with empty eyes then turns and locks the gate.
I am the result what's better left unspoken
Violence begins to mend what was broken
You've been talking, I've been all ears
Omerta.
Cheaply venal, stupidly verbose
A slip of the tongue, a slit of the throat
Six feet under with no marker
Keep my name from your mouth forever.
Free speech for the living, dead men tell no tales
Your laughing finger will never point again.
Omerta.
Sing for me now.

EDUCATION

I checked my phone... anvesh has messaged asking how things were.... I replied ' m in deep shit.....' sent it to him and switched of my phone..... my usual anger and upheaval of emotions that generally besiege me this time of the year.... no common day... exams are coming soon... the writing on the wall has come forth and become true... you have to give the exam and the devil will stand there as you take pot shots at your luck and intelligence.....
Yes exam in a few days.... whuuufffff..... i know testing time for all of us... how we hate it... how we wish a world without exams..... the fear drives us crazy... and 99% of all students will agree with me that it is a single iota of rampant power that ruins our lives to the very core..... So my question is why do we hate it so much...

Well ask any normal human being if they like to study and the spat answer will be a anger filled , self denying 'NO'..... i know because i am one of them.... Trust me i hate studying... who doesn't..... give me a book that is not part of my syllabus and i will stay awake the entire night , strain my eyes to finish it, but as soon as it comes under the syllabus prescribed by a bunch of lunatics wearing thick rimmed glasses and sipping on warm tea......... i shout it out...' hell no'...

We have been conformed to a bunch of monkeys who would rather sit on the branches f some odd tree and take directions from a person who doesn't seem to know any better... they say that we are all different.. then how come we get the same set of question papers in the exam hall.... they want us to be different but they put a leash on our neck saying' till here and no further'.... i hate these people who treat us worst than dogs... we are more like lab rats.... being tested with the drugs that yield no solution to the disease... rather raise doubts about our own capabilities and the little self dignified faith we have in our selves...

I say down with those pinheads.... because i can tell you i have learnt more things with my own experience than what my teachers have thought me....
As in the great words of Pink Floyd
' WE DON'T NEED NO EDUCATION'

Random Crap

An empty screen welcomed me as I opened my computer this evening…. Its quite welcoming… ‘give yourself to me and I will give you the world and all the pleasures you can ever imagine’…. It always says and I know how tempting that sounds but this time I just didn’t feel like it except a few random thoughts ran through my mind and it made me wonder……

We have become hollow…. No the barrel in our basements have more value than us and we have just become a shell where we have left ourselves to believe the world is all beautiful and the value of a person cant be measured in monetary terms and every person s unique with their own set of qualities be whoever they might be…… well I choose to think differently……

We has human beings have lost our identities to every other materialistic thing that surrounds us and I am no different than the rest…. We have become mindless freaks who give into the ways of what some corporate company or organization wants us to do…. Do we really need the things that we choose on a daily basis…. I mean why do we need 82 different flavours of potato chips or for that matter why do we have to have frivolous stuff that has no need in the first place….. I mean I don’t understand it and I cant seem to get my head around these things…..

I know I ask too many questions but no matter how much I try I just cant seem to find an answer….
Whatever happened to the sound of rain on a tin roof,,,, yes it is obstructed by the noise of the t.v.
What happened to friends sharing a cup of hot tea and catching up rather than just going to the malls….. have we really lost that 12 year old kid inside us who had a dream every night and who loved to play in the dirt and who had ambitions to be somebody great, do something worthwhile for the world and for humanity….. we have become greedy we have taken that kid and locked him away in some dreary dungeon where no one will find him, rather look for him in the first place….. we have become nothing but self obsessed robots who doesn’t care about anyone else other than themselves…. And I will tell you this it scares the shit out of me…. I know people are not what they seem to be and somewhere along the way everybody changes…. All I ask is why do we…. Whatever happened to us wanting to do something about the environment… we just give some money to some earth organization and leave it at that… we join some website for a daily newsletter and all we do is not even check it after a few number of times… what happened to the promise we made to our friends that we weren’t going to change and somehow unfortunately we do….. what happened when we took an oath that we would help out the needy and the poor… do we do that anyday…….

This is not a mission statement of any kind or something that would move you to the core of your heart …all I am trying to say is that we need to get out of the self absorbing shell of our blinding existence, remove the cloth that is blinding us and look at the people around us… listen to what they have to say and not just hear them out… people are dying every day from war, famine, disease , and all the other things that we just don’t choose to see…. Take a moment to think and just ask the little kid inside you what to do…. I think he will lead you to the right path….

I know that it would be really bad if we loose that little kid inside us….. because if we do then trust me we will just loose a part of our soul…. And then it would really be really fucking pathetic….

I Belong

‘Dream of mirrors’ – My dad handed me this cassette that had some art work that I had never seen before , mad grafix and the song that really made the hair on the back of my head stand up….. the sound electric and so original , nothing I had ever experienced ever before in a very long time… it made me want to sing and to jump from the sofa or the bed and sing like that….. the band---- Iron Maiden….. and I was in love for the first time in my life….
I was 12 and I was listening to these bands whose members had long hair played guitars all their lives and lived in a world of sex drugs and rock n roll…… something that our society doesn’t necessarily support,…. Or should I say our society condones these acts of Satan worship ( or so it is termed) ….. but I didn’t heed that I wanted to be those guys on that stage making music…. And I wanted to see the crowd going wild beneath my feet…..
I was a teenager then and my parents thought it was just a passing phase but I am no longer a teenager and the obsession is still as fresh as ever before…. METAL… its not something u follow to fit into a crowd or to show you are cool… it’s a lifestyle and it is a form of mentality, a sort of ideals that you find defines you and defines you more than anything…. And yes I am proud to say I am a METALHEAD….
I was born in a society that has nothing to do with this , nothing relatively close to this but I belong to this world where I know I am different from other people and I like it like that…. I don’t refute it I don’t disagree I just know deep down inside everyone has their fears, hopes, anger, and every other emotion that drives me … and I also know that they don’t have a proper vent to let out all those things that they have trapped inside of them….
I was always searching for something heavy, something heavier than the last band I listened to, that search has led me to bands like metallica, lamb of god., sepulture, judas preist, megadeth, cannibal corpse, children of bodom, motley crue, testament, tool ,nile, dimmu borgir, hatebreed, motorhead, morbid angel,satrycon, napalm death and many others that I love to hear at anytime of the day… be it early morning or late at night….,.
My friends call me a freak and I don’t deny that… I am obsessed with death , blood and satan… I know that these bands project these images so as to make themselves look cool but some of the songs actually have some meaning and if you listen closely you just might find yourself connecting with any one of the songs by any of the bands….
I have been to a few concerts with some heavy heads in the metal scene both from India and from foreign countries…. And guess what I have head banged throughout… and I loved it…. I was in the crowd and the gods played in front of me and I loved every second of it…..
After a long fucked up day I come to my room and I don’t drink up, I don’t pick up a fight…. I just put on my favorite music and I head bang…. And I love it this way…
I guess why people segregate metal so much is that it glorifies what people try to hide…. It gives you a certain amount of power that you won’t get anywhere else… I know it as a fact that it is a sort of guiding power for me., a place where I truly belong and it gives me hope each day and I believe it is a form of religion to me…

I have been defending my love for metal since when I was 12 and if you dint get the awesome power when you listen to it, the overwhelming surge of power feeling that makes the hair on your neck stand up then you might never get it… but that’s ok cause judging by the thousands of metal fans that surround me in this erena…. We are doing just fine without you…….

Alur dom and luchi

Just made it…… whuuuuffff .. Its pouring badly outside and the station is a mess… Its filled with a hoard of people eagerly waiting to get out or get inside…. But the rain has stopped them from doing anything…. I love the rain…. I watch it whenever I can… just the feeling of water from the sky pelting hard on the asphalt or the lake or just the smell of wet earth just makes me want to go out and get wet under the black sky…..
But today was different as I was going home…. After 5 months of staying without my friends and my parents I couldn’t wait to go home…. I could almost smell my mom in the kitchen making some traditional Bengali food just for me….. oh man how much I missed home….
They say home is where the heart is and I say they couldn’t be more right in my case….
Somehow I got on the train and put my luggage under the seatand got settled into my seat…. There was no power in the compartment but the light from the station filled the compartment partially illuminating it…. I love this atmosphere … ypu are not totally in the dark and neither are you in a room that is brightly lit….
I love travelling in the train ever since I was a little boy…. It’s the most magical way to see a country… unknown stations.. unknown towns and villages, paddy fields and the rivers that crisscross this beautiful country…
Anyways some people came into my coupe and put their stuff and I got introduced to them.. for these 2 days they were going to be my companion and I like meeting these strange people for just enough time to know them the right amount… and just enough to forget them.. but nevertheless its always been a memorable…. Its always an eclectic mixture of people from different states and different back grounds….
The train left on time and the journey was underway…. I don’t even remember the number of times I have dreamt of this time…. And now that dream had come true…. I had an upper bunk so after sometime I went up and opened my book just to pass the time after sometime I had drifted to a nice nap as the train had chugged along crossing towns, villages and rivers….. but I woke up in the middle of the night to find that the train had stopped at an unknown station and I realized that I was in another state and it felt nice to be a state closer to home…
The next day went without any further incidences and I got to know my fellow passengers but to my disgust no girls… man I hate my luck… but its fun anyways….
By night I couldn’t get any sleep … the anticipation of home was killing me… I couldn’t wait anymore… so I went and stood in front of the door and smelt the wind… it had rained and the air had a sweet aroma…. And I took it all in without any hesitation…. Slowly night had given way to dawn’s light…. And I could feel Bengal in my veins….
The train finally pulled into Howrah… I jumped from the train, ran to the exit and got in a cab… it took me home where warm hugs and steaming luchi and alur dom was waiting…. And I had made it home..

To bid you farewell........

Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
She wept and whispered: "I know..."

so am i just supposed to let it go.... and do nothing.... or hold on to the fleeting glimpse of hope and build a fire out of that.... Somehow i dont really know the answer to this... Maybe its right in front of me.... maybe i just cant see it.... maybe i am too blind......
Just a few months back these questions really banged my head for an answer..... and after all this time i know that there is no really clear cut answer... So i just follow my heart in this.... Ya i know i am as stubborn as i could be..... and maybe to some people i like being in misery.... but i am like this, sorry.....

Can anyone really tel me the clear cut defination of love ...... Is it like the ghost that eludes us or is it the thing that we want to grasp on to when all hope seems lost.... what is the correct defination to it.... coz i have no clue... where to begin and where to end.... I have had my share of relation related trauma or should i say debacles..... is it some kind of dream that never gets fulfilled.... the dream that never sees the light of day... always in the darkness , brewing in our hearts for al eternity and when do we know who was right and who was wrong..... coz everytime u try to grab hold of it , like sand it just keeps slipping off... the tighter ur grip the more fluid it gets.....
My friends tell me on a regular basis that this love is not right and its just another part and parcel of life.... you made a mistake and somehow you have to get out of it.... but i ask you do you really want to let go of a dream that you have incubated in your heart for a very long time.... no matter how impossible that dream is.... would you back down from that dream jus because some people told you that it is impossible....
For me its something like that... its a dream... a dream that i see everynight... so i am afraid to sleep.... because in my timid mouse shaped heart that dream has been torn apart by razors, knifes, swords and anything sharp.......
I have been upset for days.... tried toreason any way i knew how to..... but its like gravity... you hate it cause it wont let you fly and you need it too cause you like the feeling of it...so i ask myself on a daily basis.... what are you doing and what is the outcome of this... and from some part of my heart( not brain)... cause you love her....

i ask you again.... what is love... what is this feeling that makes you miserable and happy at the same time..... makes you want to kill yourself and makes you want to do wonderful things at the same time.... i just dont knw...
If anyone has a clear answer to my problem do contact....

We walked into the night
Am i to bid you farewell
Why cant you see that i try
When every tear i shed
Is for you??...........

Days Of Glory!!!!!!!!!!!!

The clock strikes 12.... the roads outside are empty.... because i m talking to you about 12 o clock at night...... i am in my room fiddling with my laptop.... a sudden msg flashes on the screen.... its Mr. Lee ( i cant use real names because if they find out they would most certainly kill me)... he wants to know if i want some tea... i see a blank screen in front of me so you can guess that i dont ususally have any work... so i take him on his offer.... In the mean while i create a playlist of songs i wanted to hear..... and i let them play... it has everything from metallica to pink floyd...... and everything in between.... My roomate practically jumped when i told him about the tea idea.... guess he also wanted a break from whatever he was doing......
By the time we had got to the kitchen a whole group had gathered wanting nothing more than tea and a long conversation..... wel i can provide the tea but the long conversation wasnt my cup of tea....
Ok poor joke i know.... anyways tea was made.... and by this time the song Back In Black came up and i knew that i had made the right combo... Mr. Lee my roommate and me sat in my room.... hot tea mugs on the table and emotions on full swing...... these conversations have very little real context but the subject matter is huge...
Yes it can be politics to who had sex with whom...... out of our minds and out of our wits we speak our heart out..... and we try to find out the solution to any problem.... even cancer if we had our way in this world......but thank god we dont..... yes otherwise a lot of people would be in pain i guess....
Wel on this night it was al about ethics morality and philosophy.... Aristotle would have stabbed himself twice and then hung himself from the ceiling fan if he heard us....... I mean we are that bad at this but it doesnt matter to us..... In this smal world of ours we rule.... everyday and everlong....
Mr. Lee obviously is the most provacative amongst us all and he threw some ideas on the table.... and we just had to agree.... then out of natural habit i raised the question about life and i wish i didnt.... because at this point my roommate reached a breaking point and yes he really did want to break somthing........ so his choice was my head but then i threatened him with a manslaughter charge so he backed down......
But to tell you the truth in the last 3 yrs i have seen every part of life.... and i have soaked it all in.... i mean through tears blood and laughter i have shared a different life in this place..... its been rough for sometime but for the most part of it , it has been a life altering experience... i have meet with all kinds of people.... seen their different points of veiw about the simplest of things and i have learned a lot..... Maybe i am sitting with a frown on my face but around these guys you cant hold that for much long....
Being in a boys hostel you dont have much privacy so you include everyone in your life.... so you include everyone in it..... make them a part of your life and you can almost definately see that you have grown..... but enough about these serious parts........ lets get back to the fun parts...

Have you seen someone washing clothes at 1 o clock in the morning or shave at around that time... have u made maggi at 3 o clock in the night and only got to eat half of it coz another one f your friends was going hungry..... i knw these things sound silly enough but that is what i call life... the real essence of it ......
I dont know if you had these same experiences or not but i do suggest you to try once.... trust me its an awesome life.......

That night ended for us at 4 o clock in the morning.... but its nights like these that i will miss the most when i get out of here.... i wil remember the faces and the smiles.... but i just hope i get these experiences back........

Strings and screw ups.......

Have you really seen a really old guitar that keeps its old world charms and still has that unusual quality to create some amazing music......
Wel i can say so about my guitar ..... its damm old and a little rusty but it had that usual quality that whenever i take it to my hand it just begs me to be played the way it should be....
Well i am no Jimi Hendrix but i can pull of a few leads and a few rhythms....
So here is what happened......
One afternoon after a day of sleeping in the class ( which is my permanent habit) i came to my room.... al day the sum shone with al its brightness but now there was a light cloud cover that covered the serene blue sky during the day....... wel it was cool by now but i was sweating like hell.... so i cleaned up, had my lunch and just sat down on my bed.... the lights were turned off and i felt too bored to do anything.... i was alone in my room and i knew my roomate wouldn't be back for a long time..... so i saw my old trusted buddy in front of me and picked it up..... AND THE JOURNEY BEGAN...........
I tried as hard as i could to tune the old thing in to the right tune........ and it obeyed me and came to life....... Sometimes i feel that it has a mind of it own and it wil do whatever it wants to do.... no matter how much i try to bring it to submission.....
I was thinking of a playlist in my head and just trying to think of the songs that could comfort me at that point of time...... I chose some light stuff not getting into something heavy rite away ..... i thought i would progressively go into that mood and so wil change the playlist according to that... And so it began...
PINK FLOYD had always been a favourite of mine and i started with the gods themselves..... the song ' wish you were here' put me into the mood i wanted to be in.... a semi floating drug induced state that i longed for so long.... Thats the beauty of this band.... it can put you in the place you want to be.... a place where there are no boundaries, no barriers, no one to hold you back, for the length of the song you are free to be whoever you want to be..... Or you can be just a simple guy who just enjoys gud music,.... wel again my thoughts drowned me.... i reflected on the time when Pink floyd used to do live concerts and i could only imagine how it would have been .... i wasnt there but i wish i was..... The issues that they handled with such delicate words makes you wonder how can anyone really write such songs that last for generations on end.... just listen to them once and surely you wil fall in love..... They can soften your heart and they can start a revolution..... thats how powerful there words are and thats how relevant they are.....
They took a guitar in their hands rather than guns..... and thats how you start a revolution....
My thoughts floated to Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, The Doors and everyone who started the revolution of rock back in its haydays... I salute them all and i wish i could join them back then......
Anyways my next song was ' stairway to heaven' by Led Zeppelin...... An awesome song with some awesome leads..... and some great lyrics..... I got into the mood.... and my fingers were loose to play the tracks...... again i was in a trance and it didnt really matter who was doing what...all i knew was that i had my guitar and nothing else really mattered.... i blocked out the external world and i totally sunk into the world of music.... and i knew one thing ... i wouldnt get out soon....
What started out as a few minute session ended up being a few hour jam session.... i didnt realise that until i saw that the sun had set and the day had ended,,,...... ...
Anyways my next song was a step higher.... 'Fade to black' by Metallica...... this was another band i respected like anything........ they along with diamondhead and judas priest introduced the world to heavy metal... My favourite genre in the entire rock fraternity..... I could go on al day on this topic and that is not what i am going to do now.... with fade to black and breaking the law i got into the head banging mood..... this was followed up by Iron Maiden with Dream of Mirrors... and a few others..... i ended with a good note a new song by a relatively new band.... On a softer side Three Doors Down with Here Without You.... it reminded me of someone whose name i cant mention....
Then i woke up with a phone call from my mom and decided to end the session there.... as i had to do laundry..... ya sucks doesnt it......
But with this session i regained my lost touch with my passion and i felt a new zeal to carry on with it even to a further extent....
I had touched the guitar after 3 months and it felt like a warm summers breeze.... and i was in heaven.... peaceful and safe......

Morning Bliss......

Late night coffee..... yes thats sounds really freaky but just try it once ..... coffee at 2 in the morning and some heavy metal.... really makes a good combination.... but it has its side effects.... yes...
sudenly the world makes sense to you and really you do get to know why your life is the way it is.....
but trust me that is not what i got this night....
i opened the kitchen room door and it made a creaky sound like the doors that forms a central point in any horror movie..... but my kitchen is nothing short of that..... wel any how i made the coffee..... the reason for this coffee was that i wanted to study for my upcoming exams... wel yes its strange but it happens rarely that i get these spurts of motivation to take the books and actually read...
Well anyways i made the coffee by making as less noise as i can..... coffee is no good without a ciggarete... so i lighted one.... sometimes out of habit or just sheer boredom i walk the passage in my house .... between my room and the kitchen.... wel on this unforgiving night i just went near the door and stood there.... and i listened intently.........
One of my roomates was playing Unforgiven 2 by metallica....... The combination of coffee, smoke,a still night and metallica created a different soul inside me..... i dont know what had happened to me then but i just got carried away into that still black night.....
I stood in front of the gate ...... i took a puff out of my cigarette and i just tried to listen to anything but all i could hear was the silence of the night, the stillness of the dark world that lay outside these doors....
i wanted to go for a walk but the door was locked.... so i just stood there and floated away..... to some distant memories of the past, present and future..... yes thats the problem with me ... i think too much about stuff that shouldn't even bother me.....and i didnt wake up til my hand was almost burnt by the cigarette.......
And i found out that my coffee had got cold...... anyhow i drank it without giving much thought....
washed my hands and face and decided to get down to some serious business..... so i turned on some music and tried to solve some chemical equations..... my roommate was asleep by now and the clock had already struck 3 in the morning........i decided to work for an hour and get some sleep......
That hour went quite normally and i did get some work done.....
finally i decided to get some sleep.......
But something happened...... i couldn't sleep..... the room was dark and there was just a faded light that was coming through the window of the street light outside.... In this partly lit room i could see the days i had spent and the sleepless nights i had..... i got up.... opened my comp.... just the flash of the screen light took me by suprise and my eyes slowly adjusted to the light.... i jsut wanted some sort of noise because i could't really hear anything other than the sound of my breath..... so i turned on some music, watched a few videos and just tried to while the time away... i didnt look at the time but by the time i realised it was almost 5 o clock and the crows had started their usual banter.....
i heard the fiant call for the morning prayers in the nearby mosque.... then the soundboxes of the nearby mandir opened up and it played a sweet morning raga.....
I realised that as my day ended some else had just begun theirs,.... it was cool... a lite breeze had picked up and the sun was in the horizon.....
i slowly went to bed and closed my eyes.... and i just fell into a deep sleep......
It could be the morning Namaz or the soft gentle prayer or the morning breeze that had brought some peace within me... and it helped me sleep......

I found peace for that one day but my soul is ever so tormented.......