I Belong

‘Dream of mirrors’ – My dad handed me this cassette that had some art work that I had never seen before , mad grafix and the song that really made the hair on the back of my head stand up….. the sound electric and so original , nothing I had ever experienced ever before in a very long time… it made me want to sing and to jump from the sofa or the bed and sing like that….. the band---- Iron Maiden….. and I was in love for the first time in my life….
I was 12 and I was listening to these bands whose members had long hair played guitars all their lives and lived in a world of sex drugs and rock n roll…… something that our society doesn’t necessarily support,…. Or should I say our society condones these acts of Satan worship ( or so it is termed) ….. but I didn’t heed that I wanted to be those guys on that stage making music…. And I wanted to see the crowd going wild beneath my feet…..
I was a teenager then and my parents thought it was just a passing phase but I am no longer a teenager and the obsession is still as fresh as ever before…. METAL… its not something u follow to fit into a crowd or to show you are cool… it’s a lifestyle and it is a form of mentality, a sort of ideals that you find defines you and defines you more than anything…. And yes I am proud to say I am a METALHEAD….
I was born in a society that has nothing to do with this , nothing relatively close to this but I belong to this world where I know I am different from other people and I like it like that…. I don’t refute it I don’t disagree I just know deep down inside everyone has their fears, hopes, anger, and every other emotion that drives me … and I also know that they don’t have a proper vent to let out all those things that they have trapped inside of them….
I was always searching for something heavy, something heavier than the last band I listened to, that search has led me to bands like metallica, lamb of god., sepulture, judas preist, megadeth, cannibal corpse, children of bodom, motley crue, testament, tool ,nile, dimmu borgir, hatebreed, motorhead, morbid angel,satrycon, napalm death and many others that I love to hear at anytime of the day… be it early morning or late at night….,.
My friends call me a freak and I don’t deny that… I am obsessed with death , blood and satan… I know that these bands project these images so as to make themselves look cool but some of the songs actually have some meaning and if you listen closely you just might find yourself connecting with any one of the songs by any of the bands….
I have been to a few concerts with some heavy heads in the metal scene both from India and from foreign countries…. And guess what I have head banged throughout… and I loved it…. I was in the crowd and the gods played in front of me and I loved every second of it…..
After a long fucked up day I come to my room and I don’t drink up, I don’t pick up a fight…. I just put on my favorite music and I head bang…. And I love it this way…
I guess why people segregate metal so much is that it glorifies what people try to hide…. It gives you a certain amount of power that you won’t get anywhere else… I know it as a fact that it is a sort of guiding power for me., a place where I truly belong and it gives me hope each day and I believe it is a form of religion to me…

I have been defending my love for metal since when I was 12 and if you dint get the awesome power when you listen to it, the overwhelming surge of power feeling that makes the hair on your neck stand up then you might never get it… but that’s ok cause judging by the thousands of metal fans that surround me in this erena…. We are doing just fine without you…….

Alur dom and luchi

Just made it…… whuuuuffff .. Its pouring badly outside and the station is a mess… Its filled with a hoard of people eagerly waiting to get out or get inside…. But the rain has stopped them from doing anything…. I love the rain…. I watch it whenever I can… just the feeling of water from the sky pelting hard on the asphalt or the lake or just the smell of wet earth just makes me want to go out and get wet under the black sky…..
But today was different as I was going home…. After 5 months of staying without my friends and my parents I couldn’t wait to go home…. I could almost smell my mom in the kitchen making some traditional Bengali food just for me….. oh man how much I missed home….
They say home is where the heart is and I say they couldn’t be more right in my case….
Somehow I got on the train and put my luggage under the seatand got settled into my seat…. There was no power in the compartment but the light from the station filled the compartment partially illuminating it…. I love this atmosphere … ypu are not totally in the dark and neither are you in a room that is brightly lit….
I love travelling in the train ever since I was a little boy…. It’s the most magical way to see a country… unknown stations.. unknown towns and villages, paddy fields and the rivers that crisscross this beautiful country…
Anyways some people came into my coupe and put their stuff and I got introduced to them.. for these 2 days they were going to be my companion and I like meeting these strange people for just enough time to know them the right amount… and just enough to forget them.. but nevertheless its always been a memorable…. Its always an eclectic mixture of people from different states and different back grounds….
The train left on time and the journey was underway…. I don’t even remember the number of times I have dreamt of this time…. And now that dream had come true…. I had an upper bunk so after sometime I went up and opened my book just to pass the time after sometime I had drifted to a nice nap as the train had chugged along crossing towns, villages and rivers….. but I woke up in the middle of the night to find that the train had stopped at an unknown station and I realized that I was in another state and it felt nice to be a state closer to home…
The next day went without any further incidences and I got to know my fellow passengers but to my disgust no girls… man I hate my luck… but its fun anyways….
By night I couldn’t get any sleep … the anticipation of home was killing me… I couldn’t wait anymore… so I went and stood in front of the door and smelt the wind… it had rained and the air had a sweet aroma…. And I took it all in without any hesitation…. Slowly night had given way to dawn’s light…. And I could feel Bengal in my veins….
The train finally pulled into Howrah… I jumped from the train, ran to the exit and got in a cab… it took me home where warm hugs and steaming luchi and alur dom was waiting…. And I had made it home..

To bid you farewell........

Devotion eludes
And in sadness I lumber
In my own ashes I am standing without a soul
She wept and whispered: "I know..."

so am i just supposed to let it go.... and do nothing.... or hold on to the fleeting glimpse of hope and build a fire out of that.... Somehow i dont really know the answer to this... Maybe its right in front of me.... maybe i just cant see it.... maybe i am too blind......
Just a few months back these questions really banged my head for an answer..... and after all this time i know that there is no really clear cut answer... So i just follow my heart in this.... Ya i know i am as stubborn as i could be..... and maybe to some people i like being in misery.... but i am like this, sorry.....

Can anyone really tel me the clear cut defination of love ...... Is it like the ghost that eludes us or is it the thing that we want to grasp on to when all hope seems lost.... what is the correct defination to it.... coz i have no clue... where to begin and where to end.... I have had my share of relation related trauma or should i say debacles..... is it some kind of dream that never gets fulfilled.... the dream that never sees the light of day... always in the darkness , brewing in our hearts for al eternity and when do we know who was right and who was wrong..... coz everytime u try to grab hold of it , like sand it just keeps slipping off... the tighter ur grip the more fluid it gets.....
My friends tell me on a regular basis that this love is not right and its just another part and parcel of life.... you made a mistake and somehow you have to get out of it.... but i ask you do you really want to let go of a dream that you have incubated in your heart for a very long time.... no matter how impossible that dream is.... would you back down from that dream jus because some people told you that it is impossible....
For me its something like that... its a dream... a dream that i see everynight... so i am afraid to sleep.... because in my timid mouse shaped heart that dream has been torn apart by razors, knifes, swords and anything sharp.......
I have been upset for days.... tried toreason any way i knew how to..... but its like gravity... you hate it cause it wont let you fly and you need it too cause you like the feeling of it...so i ask myself on a daily basis.... what are you doing and what is the outcome of this... and from some part of my heart( not brain)... cause you love her....

i ask you again.... what is love... what is this feeling that makes you miserable and happy at the same time..... makes you want to kill yourself and makes you want to do wonderful things at the same time.... i just dont knw...
If anyone has a clear answer to my problem do contact....

We walked into the night
Am i to bid you farewell
Why cant you see that i try
When every tear i shed
Is for you??...........